Crunchy Snacks and Thinking Time

Lately, I’ve been thinking. When do I have time to do this “thinking” between being 7 months pregnant, caring for a toddler, and working full time with teenagers who don’t seem to notice my growing stomach (except one girl who tracks my weeks and tells me the size of the baby in relation to fruit/vegetables which is great because I don’t have time for this app like I did with Solly)?

Here is when I have time to think: eating crunchy snacks while watching political dramas on TV. Every night is a battle. I love the writing on The West Wing, but I love Lentil Curls more. Mr. Aaron Sorkin, your wit is fantastic. But no amount of literary, moving, smart, intelligent dialogue can compare to salty crunchy stuff. 

When I’m crunching and can’t hear the words, I have time to think that I haven’t had in a while. Lately the topic has been “things I tell myself I don’t need,” because I have this image of myself as being unique/minimalistic and falling outside the sentimental pitfalls of the general population. It’s the same reason I never wore pink as a child. I refused to be sold the idea that all girls were frilly. The positive side of this part of myself allows me to think outside the box as an artist. The negative side is the pitfall of superiority that I have to keep in check - the notion that I’m “above” what other people need and feel. 

In my newfound crunchy think time, I’ve decided to allow some consideration for the ideas that I have formerly repelled in the name of being unique/minimalistic. Here is the list.

1. I resisted buying lots of baby clothes for Solly. I accepted lots of hand me downs because I was like, “all new moms go overboard on the infant clothes and it’s a waste of money and I’ll just take what I get because babies outgrow things super fast.” But...if I’m being completely honest with myself I sort of wish I had gone wild with the cute clothes. I’m beginning to entertain the idea of making it rain for baby #2...

2. I think newborn photo shoots are dumb and way too expensive and it’s weird to pose a tiny naked baby in a wool hat in a wheel barrow. At the same time, I kind of wish I had some of these of Solly. So...maybe the second time around…? Maybe not though. It’s super weird. 

3. I didn’t sleep train Solly till he was 8 months old and I woke up twice a night during all that time to breastfeed him. I was into being self sacrificing and thought breast milk contained some magical properties like the ability to fight diseases, or become a wizard even with myself being a muggle mom like Hermoine’s was. But now I have proof that Solly is very beautifully normally not a wizard so I will not wake up as long with baby #2. Formula will be just fine a little sooner.

4. I work hard to not seem anxious or fearful which in fact I am if I give myself a break from the busyness that holds it at bay. Hmm. Not sure what to do with this one. Working on it.

5. I’m sooo good at guilt tripping myself. I have this internal “must spend every free second with Solly because I work all day” force that’s stronger than Luke’s or Rey’s. So it’s hard to fulfill myself artistically. BUT, I did a two week round of That’s Weird Grandma (my old company Barrel of Monkeys/ now Playmakers Lab) and I had a blast! And Solly got to see my onstage. And this all makes me a better mom, actually.

Once I work my way over the things I resist doing so I can seem chill/unique/minimalistic, here are some randos:

1. I think it’s a little creepy that behind Rob and I, are these strangers walking past from vacation pictures that hang on our walls. I wonder what it’s like to watch my life. And how many other homes do I hang in and what do I think about their parenting, their relationships and their snack choices? 

2. If I write a children’s book I think it will be called, “Giraffes, Rabbits and Turtles: The Untold Story” because of how little air time they get in toddler conversations due to their not having a signature sound. Just because certain animals are mute, doesn’t mean they don’t have a lot to say. The sequel might be called “Giraffes and Elephants: The Non Gender Conforming Animals” and how much diplomacy and liberal change they represent on blankets and pillow cases of those unborn whose gender is not known yet.

3. I never understood why you have to DO something with leaves. Why do people rake them and put them in bags or rake them and pile them on the curb for pick up. Are leaves not garbage when on trees and then suddenly they are garbage when on the ground? And the fact that grass won’t grow if you let leaves sit in your yard all winter...isn’t that underestimating grass? Doesn’t grass grow in the wild even when leaves fall on it? 

In this last day of the decade, I’d like to put this advice down for posterity:

--nobody is “above” the feelings of being human and the actions that go with them

--vulnerability and play are the most buoyant and brave and life giving qualities 

--feelings aren’t facts

--get good help 

--go outside

--carry granola bars in the middle counsel of your car for homeless people

--Elmo is crack so delay your child watching as much as possible

--families are all messy and keep trying anyway

Happy 2020!!!