Grumbly Gratitude

(disclaimer: Toddler watched a lot of TV to make this blog happen)

My current dilemma. Do I shower or do I record a parody video with my french horn? This might seem silly to the many at home who now have more time on their hands due to Covid-19. Welp (I just learned this word is the most used Zoom meeting ending), I just had a baby. And I have an older child who turned two last week. And I have no time that is my own. Through some gift of conception timing, I delivered Maya Bee on March 8th just moments before the world turned upside down. I’m forever grateful that my sister, mom and dad got to come to the hospital, that my doula and Rob could be at my side during my VBAC (who-hoo!) and the slightly quirky lady who comes to take pictures of newborns in the hospital and charge exorbitant amounts, was still making her rounds and in a spontaneous gift of joy, my dad sprung for the photos. Little did we know that days later we wouldn’t be able to have anyone enter our home anymore so these are now our special newborn pre-covid pictures.

I wouldn’t normally feel the need to be productive during maternity leave, but all you people staying at home are turning out online content that heightens the pitch of the muse in me to a level rivaling my gassy newborn. Also, I feel like a trend setter who didn’t want to set one. And to be honest you all are cramping my maternity leave style. This was supposed to be my time to “sort of” work remotely and complain and reach out to colleagues and students and be like “I can’t wait to see you again!” Now everyone is saying, “We can’t wait till we all get to see each other again” All of you staying at home have stolen my thunderous return anticipation applause. When I come back, now it will be the whole city’s first day back and I will not be special. And the one thing that keeps this mom of two little ones going after being up all night and nursing around the clock, is looking forward to feeling special. 

Jokes aside, feeling cared for and special are really necessary during the “fourth trimester” which is an oxymoronic term yes, and refers to the first month after giving birth which is still part of the pregnancy journey because the baby is so dependent on mom still and mom is still recovering physically from pushing a baby out. And it’s a sad and lonely time because there have been no visitors or family around to admire the baby. That admiration is vital, because you have this blob of a newborn and she is not giving you anything back in the first month - only taking - taking energy, your time, your boobs, your personal hygiene, the ease with which you produce positive feelings, your time from your older child who then whines more, wants you to ‘hold him!” and has a whole pretend to be a baby routine that includes fake spitting up. In the admiring from others, you are tricked into forgetting all this and remembering how special the new life is and you can see above the waves for a moment and believe that this phase will pass and it will get better. Oh and it also brings social sunshine in a month that is notorious for a false hope of spring when in reality it is gray, cold and rainy: oh March, you are a month that makes me feel Shakespearean sized feelings. Also, FaceTime and Zoom just can’t do what live people visiting can. FaceTime can’t wrap arms around your aching shoulders or grab you the phone cord because you’re stuck breastfeeding in a chair forever on 1% battery. It’s also really hard to hold a phone on a FaceTime call while nursing and keeping it out of reach of a toddler who wants to take over your conversation making it about discipline and parenting when he doesn’t listen and runs off with it.

All seriousness aside, it does seem like you all are followers. This makes me kind of upset, overwhelmed and grumpy. But, because there is a small sane part of my brain left surviving on coffee and ice cream in this time when the rest is mush, I know gratitude and empathy are the best antidote to combat self pity. I know because I read a lot of Brene Brown books and then made some units about what I learned for my Theatre Studio class and I have written “empathy and gratitude” course goals on the class wall. I hate when I have the self reflection to realize that the thing I teach, I have a really hard time doing when I need to do it most. Ugh. Embarrassing. I had a friend in college who had a brilliant mom. She had him sing “grumble grumble grumble, I’m not gonna do it!” and singing how much he hated it allowed him to get the vacuuming done when he was eight. So I will grumbly say “gratitude, gratitude, gratitude, I’m not gonna do it!” and still offer you this short story.

Play-Doh. I’m thankful for Play-Doh. It is the only thing on my two year old’s schedule. And yes, I did make a schedule that is now on the floor in our office/closet which initially included art, music, numbers, outdoor time ect. Then I realized that you can’t suggest activities to toddlers, they just walk around the house and choose ones you never would have thought of. Like finding all sorts of places there is water and spilling it slowly, pretending the doll Nina also spits up as much as Maya, unrolling paper towels, taking all the lemons out of the bowl and saying “ooo! Juicy” and lining them up under the table, ect. Anyway, Play-Doh is one thing we agree on. Here’s how it works. I have been rationing dough colors like people are doing with TP and paper towels. We do one color a day. Here is our Play-Doh dialogue while my right arm is holding Maya to my boob. 

Solly: Make car mama!

Me: You can do it!

Solly: Make car mama.

Me: I’m feeding Maya right now

Solly: From your nipple? She eat that?

Me: Yes.

Solly: I see boob Mama?

Me: Yes you can see.

Solly: I no like that.

Me: Well it’s how she eats. 

Solly: Make car Mama.

Me: I can’t do much with my left hand.

Solly: Make fire truck mama.

Me: Oh. Now that’s similar to a car except more complicated and I -

Solly: Make limousine Mama.

Me: Okay fine.

(I take the Play-Doh and squish it into a vague triangle)

Solly: Make wheels mama!

Me: You can do that!

Solly: Mama make wheels.

(I rip four hunks of Play-Doh off the bottom of the car and toss to Solly)

Solly: Ooo! Wheels!

(Solly puts on the wheels...then squishes Play-Doh)

Solly: Make race car mama!

This conversation is repeated so many times a day I can’t count. It is boring to me and I wish he was creating on his own and not so dependent. Then I thought about repetition - it requires little brain power, it is comforting, it is known, it is fun, it is easy, you know the outcome, and it has a clear beginning, middle and end. I felt a little guilty realizing I’m leaning on repetition just as much right now: West Wing (second time through the series), my nightly snack fest, FB, instagram, and youtube... I have this thing where I find videos I want to watch and watch only half of them so I can go back and watch more later or “repeat” them if you will. For all the same reasons Solly wants to do the same thing every day with Play-Doh. Does good come from repetition? More than just comfort? Maybe. I mean, I’m learning how to use my left hand in a way I never have due to Doh time.

I am grateful for Play-Doh and repetition. ...Grumble grumble grumble...I’m still really sad about no friends and family help during the newborn phase and the weather and … I’ll stop, BECAUSE, I’m really grateful. I’m grateful for Play-Doh and repetition. And enormously grateful for my two beautiful healthy kids, and my loving, funny, compassionate husband.

Epilogue Part I

Since it’s very “of the times” right now to share your covid-19 schedule, here are my kids’.

Solly: Two years and one week old

Wakes: 7/7:30am

Watches TV with Dad who was up all night with newborn: 7:30-9:30am

Breakfast: when he feels like it - usually around 9:30am

Play-Doh: 10am-12:30pm (alternating between asking mama to make a car, limousine, fire truck and race car)

Lunch: around 12:30pm

Play-Doh:1-1:30pm (“)

Nap: 1:30-4/4:30pm

Play-Doh: 4:30-7 (“)

Dinner: 7pm

Play-Doh

Bath/Books/Bed: 8-8:30pm

Maya: 20 days old

Sleep

Eat

Poop

Fuss

(repeat)

Epilogue Part II

Some Haikus (my creative content right now - wish I could do more)

3.24.20

The sun is shining

Went for a walk with both kids

Oldest touched all cars 

3.25.20

Maya Bee in sun

Up and down in mama roo

Peaceful day, long are the nights 

3.26.20

Play dough and breast feeds

Fill my 24/7

I’m okay with it 

3.27.20

A Gray seagull. Sky.

It would be nice to be one

Out and above it 

3.28.20

Sparkly bouncy ball

Joy if 2, workout if you’re 

At 37
3.29.20

Evenings are so hard

Parents are spent, fuss starts

Maya rules the night 

3.30.20

I paid for the birth

Seems weird to pay for new life

The world should pay me ;)