Pause
Recently during “The Shit Storm” (otherwise known as Remote Learning), I received an email. And I quote, “i have received nothing but emails on a school year that is completely bogus. He also says he has a passing grade. What's the plan hold him back....Do you all really want to see him again? All this last minute non effort is too much.”
I sort of agree. In the need to feel like we’re doing something to help in this pandemic, sometimes it’s non effort - which I think if this mom could define would mean “effort that is too late, that is not organized, and that expends energy towards something that is meaningless.” Like those two fuzzy side panels when you film something vertically and then it’s shown on youtube. What we should really do is take a deep breath and pause. And sometimes a pause seems like a stop. But it’s not a stop. It is a break between a go and a go. And in the pause I’m usually convicted of the phrase, “be here right now” which is what me and my 20 theatre teachers I oversee spout to our arts high school students every day. Yet when faced with this pandemic, I constantly slip into “be in the want to know!” And when you don’t know what’s next, you can either get anxious about it, or keep making new sounds for the kinetic sand car you’re asked to animate. Pausing is so scary because the first part of a pause is fear. “Oh my god I’m pausing! Will I ever go again?” But after the fear, if you hang in there and keep pausing, it’s like a little breath of green space in a city parking lot. And the breath allows all these thoughts to emerge. Thoughts like…”In the next play I write, kinetic sand is the villain. And he has no dimensions and he’s not sympathetic and you’ll never be torn during the story about whether his sad childhood influenced his poor adult decisions.”
I just felt this hazy hatred for something, but when I paused, I could finally define it as above and I could breathe! Kinetic sand is evil! Yay! This is my case for pause instead of the news cycle rabbit hole that is a grasping non effort and leaves me sad and drained.
So I’ve been trying to breath. To pause. And to be present instead of want answers 24/7 (How will I teach theatre online? What will CPS decide? When will it be safe to visit my sister’s two day old baby? When I can I see my friends again? Will Maya ever stop spitting up? When can I see my dad?). And if I pause, some thoughts bubble up to the surface reminding me of Anne Lamott’s idea that “laughter is carbonated holiness.” And if laughter is air and lightness, it would make sense that you can only find it in breath and pause and not the jamming of the mind that comes with the anxious want to KNOW.
I’m not good at this. Really. I have to try very hard because I’ve “gone back to work” while caring for two small kids and having a partner who is working from home as well. And my work is extremely stressful right now. I want to spin out on school problems all the time because my anxiety tricks me into thinking that if I keep my high functioning heavy non effort beaming down on the problem (especially at 2am and 4am when Maya wakes to eat), I’ll solve it. I am not good at the pause. And yet, I try. When I try, I notice the following bubbles. And I feel light.
Pause Thought:
There are still things that happen in life that Merriam Webster has no words for. So I’d like her to consider these.
“Onceastar”: when an older famous person hosts a quirky game show and and it’s just not working.
“Ka-pushed”: when books get uneven on a shelf and you can’t see them all so you’re pushing some in and the others scoot back further.
“Bru-hip”: when my hand ends up in my pocket while I’m brushing my teeth and I catch myself looking kind of cool.
“Mom-gual”: understanding mom thoughts like when she turns to you on a walk and says “and, one of my calves is bigger than the other” when there had never been any previous discussion about said calves. Or, “what type of batteries does it wear?” when fixing a train for my toddler.
Pause Thought:
Babies are so different! Are Maya’s abundant smiles and delightful squeals the universe’s way of balancing the fact that she is a time intensive gastrointestinal baby who struggles with gas and spitting up all the time? Are Solly’s abundant hilarious phrases the universe’s way of balancing the fact that I must play “car crash” on the floor for hours - Solly: “Oh no it crashed!” Me: “Welp let’s turn over the car, brrrrrrmmm.” (repeat x 943)
Pause Thought:
Every downside usually has a rise side/up side. Like when something pushes down, it pushes something else up - even if it’s just the sparkly dust lifting from the giant hole your struggle just thumped in. For example, there’s a huge hole in my social heart when walking past people in the park and we’re all masked. BUT, now I can talk to myself and nobody knows.
Pause Thought:
I’d like to write a book about “the sock test.” It’s a simple test you can use when choosing doctors. My children exist because of the sock test. It’s easy. You wear fun socks (fun earrings too if you have the holes there), when going to a doctor who you are considering working with for more than just a check up. If they comment on your fun socks, they are excellent. If they are ALSO WEARING THE SAME FUN SOCKS, they are golden. I have had both happen in three cases of doctors I needed for intense things (like getting pregnant and then having a baby and then another doctor that’s helping me repair all the things said babies did to my body). I have not been let down by this test. And I’ve chosen not to return to doctors who don’t comment on my socks.
Pause Thought:
Why the double consonants, English? Isn’t it enough to have one “t” at the end of your name Ben Platt? What is gained by the second? Then I looked up other words that have an extra consonant because I’m going to have to teach my son more stuff besides cars and sand soon and this is the list.
–ill: bill, dill, fill, hill, kill, mill, pill, sill, still, till, will
–oll: doll
–ull: dull, gull, hull, mull, skull
–ass: ass, bass, class, glass, grass, pass
–ess: bless, dress, less, mess
–iss: bliss, criss, hiss, kiss, miss
–oss: boss, cross, floss, loss, moss, toss
–uss: fuss, muss
–aff: staff
–eff: Jeff
–iff: cliff, miff, sniff, stiff, tiff,
–off: off, scoff
–uff: bluff, buff, cuff, fluff, gruff, huff, muff, puff, scruff, scuff, snuff, stuff
–azz: jazz, razz
–iz: fizz, frizz
–uz: buzz, fuzz
It is important to point out to the child that even though most of the time l, s, f and z are doubled at the end of short words, sometimes these letters are not doubled. So as not to confuse the child, list just a few exceptions to this doubling rule (pal, gas, bus, yes, us, and plus).
“So as not to confuse the child”?! How do I tell Solly that some words he likes (hill and jazz) are greedy little mother f-ers who add superfluous letters, and to please stick to pal, gas, bus, yes, us and plus because they are humble.
My heart goes out to all the people trying hard to pause and being about 15% successful as I have been. I know this pandemic sucks for everyone - those carrying the load to protesting George Floyd’s wrongful death for those who can’t compromise their health but want to join, those living alone, those in large families, those in medium families, those who’ve lost jobs, those with new babies, those with babies gone from the nest, those with elderly family at home, those children who are lacking social contact and desperately need it to feel themselves, those with immune compromised family and friends...the list goes on and on. Just know I am thinking about all of you and trying to breathe and pause. 15% is better than 0%. Right? And I’m especially thinking of those marching today for George Floyd. I want to be there, but must care for a newborn round the clock. So instead I’ll send some money and notes and continue to revise my curriculum even more around Black Lives Matter till I can get my shoes on again.