Fall 2021
This blog is dedicated to fall and hand foot and mouth disease.
First of all, without my pock marked dance with Hand Foot and Mouth Disease, I wouldn’t have had the day off of work to write this blog. Thank you HFMD! Also, why does Hand Foot and Mouth get to claim the word “disease” while all other viruses are just called “viruses”? Maybe because it wins the visually weird and scary award? If you’re one of the lucky ones, your nails fall off in 6-8 weeks post illness. So much anticipation.
Second, fall lasts till mid December. Really?... As previously internalized in past years, fall doesn’t have to be full of dread and sadness with constant reminders that you’re on winter’s doorstep! Flashback to 23ish year old Annie laying on an orange mat in theatre grad school rolling around staring up at the small window revealing one leaf left on a tree and silently sobbing that it was about to blow off. Ah. How gloriously self centered those years were. Sincerely. I can’t remember the last time I took a moment to notice and feel my feelings - let alone the last time I pooped without a toddler on my lap demanding I sing “Do Re Mi” and “Let It Go” at the same time.
I jumped into fall this year with a new energy (aka need to control my world, which has been uncontrollable for the most part since Maya’s birth/pandemic’s birth March 2020)! I realized that if I framed fall as a whole three month holiday, I would have to succeed at celebrating! Also, fall does not have a day you’re expected to be with family or feel weird/not weird doing something religious. And as a fairly new Jewish person, is therefore devoid of the Christmas/Hanukkah dilemma.
Here’s an example of how much I like to be in control: My biggest dream as a child was using everything I packed for Disney World. I had trouble falling asleep when I was young and used to day dream that I had three kids and one on the way and we were packing for Disney world. We never got there. I just loved the packing and the anticipation. Also, four kids sounds like A LOT now.
Now, I actually get to arrive places with my two kids and husband. And I now know why I never “arrived” in my daydreams. There’s too much pressure! It never goes like you want! It’s much better to live in a constant state of packing. Which is nice for a daydream. But not for life, I guess. We have to arrive places in real life. So how do we deal with the disappointment when the anticipated time is shitty? When there are serious meltdowns because a granola bar broke in half and I can’t put it back together on the way to get pumpkins. When the oldest kid hits the little kid? When the parking lot for the orchard farm is too crowded, and because we’re still worried about covid, we leave without getting out of the car. When it rains at the first trick or treat experience ever.
If Buddists were evangelical, which would contradict their existence, I would be first on their list of house calls so they could really mess with my sense of inflated expectations. I even had a colleague introduce me to the “Stoicism” way of life recently which I think is really great! But I don’t know how theatre people do this. Especially this theatre person who has a tiny Anne of Green Gables in each blood cell wishing and hoping wildly at all times. SO I’ve been thinking of some other strategies.
…
None have come yet, just thinking.
If you dramatized the emotional journey of kids under four for the stage or screen you would get something that would only be appropriate for Halloween viewing or a Dali exhibit interspersed between his melting clocks. They are screaming, they are happy, they are crying and throwing a block at your head, they are caressing your face with the tips of their fingers, they’re ripping up your social security card, you’re in love with them and then you want to carry them to a very safe field and let magically maternal bunnies care for them while you rest in a nearby hammock with earplugs. You look at the time and only five minutes have passed. You look at the calendar and two years have passed. Kids really mess with time.
Here is a recent interaction.
1 yr old: “Mama off”
Me: “I’m gonna keep my sweater on, kiddo.”
1 yr old: (holding the pilly parts) “Mama, these off!”
Me: “Oh. Yeah. Those just happen to old sweaters they kind of just fall off when they want to. I tried to write a song about it once and it wasn’t funny enough.”
1 yr old: “OFF.”
Me: “You can try but -”
1 yr old: “Mama sit!”
I sit.
1 yr old: “Mama uppie uppie uppie!”
I stand.
1 yr old: “Oh no! Oh no!”
1 yr old tries to catch dust specks falling as sunlight shines through the window.
1 yr old: “Nooo!”
Dusk specks aren’t there when she opens her hand.
Me: “Maya the dust is too tiny to see in your -”
1 yr old: “NOOOO! Sit sit!”
I sit.
1 yr old: “UPPIE, DUST, DUST, DUST!”
Then she stares extra hard at the dust and starts giggling like she’s seen a clown in the sunbeams.
1 yr old: “Down, down!”
I put her down and she eyes one stray crayon in the middle of the carpet. It’s all
alone.
Me: “Maya do you want to color?”
1 yr old: “No.”
She has something else in mind. Something huge. You can tell because she is poised for adventure. Not moving - rare.
She steps to the crayon as if it were a ledge.
She holds her foot out but is unsure whether she can make it over the quarter inch obstacle.
She gets down on the carpet eye to eye with the crayon and examines it further.
She kisses it.
Stands and tries to jump over the crayon but falls down and crawls back to her starting spot.
This short film is called, “Toddler Passes Crayon after Insane Dust Collecting.”
It’s hard to catch the lovely moments because they wiz by so incredibly fast between the hard and crazy. The wild absurdity of parenting tiny people causes such a bend to the linear that sometimes all you can do is give in and enjoy.
I’d say the most fun we had this fall was when the focus was not going, but staying. We invited some folks over for a casual pumpkin carve and it was ... really lovely. So, in endless circles of relearning, “Let it Go” seems to be a literal theme and I have the Elsa action figure to prove it and support it.
EPILOGUE
(a self indulgent memory list for posterity - unless the internet breaks and it’s gone - of kid things to note):
1) How much toast to toast the toast is VERY important and only someone employed to only get this right could get this right
2) Solly insists that he has a penis and I have an angina
3) “Did you see what just came out of my eyes? Pink sparkles I guess?” -Solly
4) Sometimes I don’t wanna open a bag that has a commitment of a difficult seel
5) If you get dry hands and can’t turn the exact page in 2-3 seconds in the book, just skip a chunk and let them miss plot points - holding attention is more important
6) Maya’s red zone (aka there is no pacifying her) “I want your pizza! (hand her pizza) I don’t WANT it” and around we go!
7) Maya punctuating a sentence with “Dust. Dust. Dust.”
8) Divits in food? Lick or poke to make sure it’s not alien poison. That’s how preschool/toddlers choose what to eat.
9) If you have a preschooler who says “I love you” at random you’ve hit the jackpot
10) If you have a toddler who sings Mary Poppins songs that sound like gibberish but every 5th word is sort of right, you’ve hit the jackpot
11) The song “Step in Time” should have more words and goes on to be a 7 minute instrumental.
12) When you have a child who looks like he’s about to cry whenever he watches TV, you find yourself saying “Look away at a tree outside!” every five minutes to rehydrate his eyes.
13) If you get between Maya and her Mickey PJ’s you’re going to pay.
14) There is a phase of parenting where you put whipped cream on all food items so they eat something
15) Maya demanding I read her a wallet.
16) Solly currently says “of course!” and “that can be arranged” a lot
17) We are in the obsession with Dino’s phase! I love it.
18) Maya says “(s)pooky!” a LOT! And her eyebrows raise and she loves being pretend scared!
19) I recently realized that if I don’t read every word of the children’s book, they won’t notice.
20) Maya not understanding that a “snack” includes all the choices (Do you want apples, or crackers or cheese? NO! A SNACKIE!)
21) Attaching “ie” to the ends of all words for Maya and wondering if it will effect her later? Oh well.
22) The word of feeling you get when someone wants your reserved in public toddler to smile and react and engage but they won’t?
23) When big kids don’t play with little kids who really want them to, it’s the WORST. When they do (thanks Jayna, Verity and Dora!) it’s the BEST!!!
24) Transitions are hard for everyone. Especially small young people.
25) Maya loves grabbing faces pulling them close and squealing at your eyes. Then asks for “(s)pooky eyes!” and I make mine really big and she belly laughs.