Two Year Olds
What if, instead of snacking to stuff my feelings (of the ongoing fear I won’t be able to control things), I did what my 2 yr old does with the same fear and sleep with my toothbrush or Double A batteries which she does to show she has power and control over her world?
I thought about explaining why I haven’t blogged in a while. But that would mean letting you in on what it’s like to have a newly turned two year old (some already know). I don’t wish this on anybody - not even a vicarious reading experience.
But then I thought, ah well... You’ve been warned ;)
BAD AT EVERYTHING: AN OVERVIEW FOLLOWED BY A LIST
Two year olds are really bad at everything. It’s strange because as a baby, my daughter was really GOOD at everything (except sleep - see past blogs). She ate dinner without having to wash her napkin in the sink every time it got “dirty,” pooped without hiding or handing her diaper to me like a delicate stink bird was inside, blobbed around the carpet without traveling, looked at paper towels but let them stay in the roll, didn’t hold her finger one inch from her brother’s favorite car while he screamed, paid close attention to distant family who wanted non confrontational facetime with our kids and so on. Now, it’s as if the “2’s” leprechaun has possessed this once sweet blob. Re leprechaun - I wanted some comparison that wasn’t as dark as a demon but maybe on its way to becoming one, so. Also she has some Irish in her from my dad’s side. I don’t remember the leprechaun possessing my son in this way, probably because it was staved off with undivided parental attention and zero competition for toys. The leprechaun has reprogrammed my 2 year old’s brain to literally think that the world will END if she gets any help climbing into her car seat or putting on socks - things that make her scream and cry in frustration because she can’t do them yet.
Example:
2yrold: “Oh, oh, oh! MY GRANOLA BAR - BROKEN!!”
Said with startling devastation like Tom Hanks in “Saving Private Ryan.” Except it’s 100% easier to get a soldier out of a war zone than it is to stop the tantrum that builds over a broken piece of food. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if the sorrow of these toddler memories stayed into adulthood:
–Joe: I’m so sorry about your mom.
–Liz: Yeah. Thanks. This is so hard.
–Joe: I get it. This level of pain reminds me of the time my granola bar broke.
Me: “Want me to fix it for you, kiddo?”
2yrold: “No HELP Mama, no HELP!”
Tries to fix it and can’t. Lots of screaming.
Me: “Okay, are you sure you don’t want help?”
2yrold: “Can’t really do it Mama! Can’t really!”
Me: “Let me normalize this for you. Most granola bars break. It’s super common. Now you have TWO granola bars!”
She looks at me like I’m full of shit.
I guiltily avoid eye contact
Mistake!
2yrold: “Don’t want two little granola bars, want one big one!”
Me: “Well I can help -”
2yrold: “NO HELP!!!!!!”
Screaming throughout the next lines and years.
Me: “Hey! Look at the clouds!”
Failed redirect #1
Me: “Hey look! I have my finger in my nose!”
Failed redirect #2
Me: “Sweetness, tell the leprechaun to leave your brain!”
At this point it’s worth driving to a store or back home to get a second granola bar. Even if over an hour away.
1) BAD AT (or maybe really good at?) REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY
So sometimes saying things like “Oh, you’re not able to do that, are you? Probably not!” with a twinkle in your eye gets kids to say, “yes I can!” This can be used to help children eat their veggies or go down a slide they’re nervous of at the playground. Try this with the 2yrold and she says, “I can’t. You right!” and shrugs the most hilarious shrug I’ve ever seen.
2) BAD AT SELF REGULATION (returns ages 13-19)
As actors and teachers of acting, Rob and value language in general. And as a woman, I know the impact “good girl” language has had on me. Therefore I don’t want to label any type of speaking as “bad” for the goal of sounding “sweet” or “nice” (RBG didn’t rise because she was “sweet and nice”). So I made sheep the scapegoat. As already stated, my daughter’s toddlerhood is different from her brother's. She has to fight to be heard more and she does it with a bleating whine that is the WORST. So when she gets this way (which is at least 20 times a day), we say, “Use your clear doggy voice instead of your sheep voice!” We picked doggies because she loves them and they have strong clear barks. She may always see sheep as the “whiney bad guys” but I’d rather raise a sheep hater than a girl who feels she must sound “nice.”
BREAK
We interrupt this blog to take a break from two year olds.
…
Why do lawn ornaments exist? Was some nostalgic lady putting away Christmas tree ornaments or Menorahs and thought, “Wait! I know how to make this socially acceptable all year round! I’ll make giant versions of shiny balls, deers, elves (nomes), Menorah’s, and just, lay them in the grass!”
3) BAD AT BOUNDARIES
In middle school I had a lot of “cast” fantasies. If I lightly suffer a bone break in my arm or even better, my leg (cuz crutches), everyone would give me a lot of attention and sign my cast. I feel like time played a trick on me and gave me this attention many years later at terrible times and in the wrong context. Like, 5:30am while I’m trying to pee and someone (2 yr old) is banging on the door yelling, “Mama, Mama!” Like, 6:05pm when I’ve just sat down to eat my food and someone (2 yr old) wants to sit on my lap so she can poke holes in my food. Like, 8:37pm when I’m trying to sneak out of someone’s room (2 yr old) so I can have a moment to myself and I’m requested to “pull blanket up, take this other boogie, pants fell down!, water!...” My question is. Can I go back to middle school and unwish the fantasy to have lots of attention? Please?
4) BAD AT HEALING FAKE WOUNDS
We’re in a code red bandaid stage. We are putting bandaids on imaginary scratches and the 2yrold is keeping the “wound” elevated out of the bathtub for fear the bandaid will get wet, so the body surrounding that wound (which is most of her) goes unwashed. She will keep the thing on for so long, the edges hold at least a pound of lint and sometimes a whole cracker.
5) BAD AT BEING COMPARED (who is good at this though)
It’s like the leprechaun has fun changing hosts when I even think for a second “The other child never did this.” At which point, suddenly the older child does some outrageous shit. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT get caught comparing one child’s two year old experience to another’s - especially in the same household. Also just don’t compare in general a) not healthy for the self esteem b) believe in abundance not scarcity c) leprechaun might haunt you
**I realize this blog may seem as if I’m comparing - but it’s more a stages/ages compare than the actual children :)
6) BAD AT BEING DRY
As with everything these days, the two year old MUST do things herself. That means trying to towel off after a bath. Getting long sleeve PJs on the semi wet skin of a two year old is the worst task in the world - up there and yet still a little worse than having to run to the restroom to peel off a female identifying bathing suit mid swim and then start the hour long journey to get it back on.
I know there’s hope because 4yrolds are not as bad at things!! And I believe my 2yrold will reach this milestone some day!
NOT AS BAD AT EVERYTHING: A LIST
BETTER AT DRYING OFF
Dries self 90% after bath and puts on own PJs on!
BETTER AT LANGUAGE:
Instead of whining, he can say, “You look like you haven’t slept, Mama. Is that why you’re not getting my food really fast?”
BETTER AT SELF PLAY
He is rarely whining or bored. When without toys, he’ll labeled his feet, #1 and #2 and they fight each other.
EQUALLY GOOD AT SIGHING
They both sigh like a 45 year old teacher in March.
BETTER AT TURNING A MOMENT HE COULD GET IN TROUBLE, INTO ‘HELPING’
“Sister! I fixed your chicky toy! It broke because I threw it. But I fixed it for you! Here you go!”
BETTER AT IMAGINATIVE PLAY
There is a lot of mind numbing play with tiny kids. But when my son wants to play Walgreens, I rise to the occasion like a Tony Award is at stake. I personify the place of “Walgreens” as a slothlike, nasally pharmacist who mistakenly fills prescriptions with “dino roar meds” and “dancing feet syrup”
Impromptu songs for his sister as she falls asleep: “I love you and we had a good day. …. Sometimes I love you and sometimes I’m grateful and we love each other and sometimes we hate each oooother …”
BETTER AT CREATIVELY NOT EATING THINGS
If my 4yrold doesn’t want to eat his nuggets, he starts talking to them and then turns to us and says, “I can’t eat little Jack!”
He also says, “This meatball just can’t go in my mouth right now because it’s really hurting my back and making my eye weird.” This is hard to follow but hilarious to watch.
To conclude, I hope that the leprechaun will eventually get bored as my daughter gets a little older and it will go find another host. For now, we’ll endure and do a lot of deep breathing and laughing for patience sake.
NOTE: I love my daughter so much it hurts. She is the absolute best. She does a lot of fun cute things too even though this blog is focussed on the hard parts.