PACKING LIST ON A MIDDLE SCHOOL HIKE

1)   WATER

2)   Banana boat SPF 100 spray sunscreen. You can line all 18 of them in a row and spray them at once.

3)   WATER (to dump on their faces because the spray sunscreen got in their eyes)

4)   At least one parent who will actually hike with you and not just be a driver and then sit in the car till you’re done

5)   Bring multiple copies of the “what a bummer!” look for the five kids who wore jeans and are dying of heat after you sent two written notes and two texts that they should wear SHORTS

6)   A thick skin for bugs and for your sweet 8th grade boys you’ve raised since they were ten and who really don’t want to talk to adults anymore

7)   A hat

8)   The strength to restate the following rule often: ““you can only say ‘give me energy’ not ‘I’m tired’” because then the whole energy of the day changes

9)   A story to beat the heat about a giant lizard/mountain lion type of animal you call a Mongoose that ruled in the Hollywood hills in 1910 and ate humans. Then it died but buried its eggs and they hatch every 50 years. Which means…!!!

10)    …Math skills to make your story more scary

11)    High socks for scratchy plants

12)    The definition of “non sequitur” to help two loquacious 7th graders understand each others’ mutual weirdness

13)    Two squirt guns given to the youngest hikers so that there’s a role reversal in the natural hierarchy of things

14)    Bring patience. Not for the kids. For yourself when they are sprinting up hills in the heat and you feel very old.

15)    The ability to yell long distances to slow pokes.

16)    The mental toughness to make enemies out of all the ice cream cart wielding men when you scream “NO TREATS YET” as you tug 18 kids up a hill in 95 degree heat (which hurts your soul a little bit because you are such a fan of ice cream)

17)   Water balloons to fill up in the park bathrooms on hike’s end.

18)   The awareness necessary to understand one of your youngest hikers wants to hold your sweaty hand.

19)   Chocolate at the end of the hike to make sure the name “The Literary and Chocolate society” is not just a joke.

20)    The humility to tell the parent who’s son texts you that night in fear and believed your story that no, The Hollywood Hills Mongoose is a made up animal.

21)    The willpower not to shed some tears for the fifth year of this hike as you now set your sites on another city and another set of kids…